Sulahn'nehn
by Elshumkelate
Summary: The Breach is gone, Corypheus defeated, and Solas has disappeared without a word. Broken hearted, Elanna Lavellan must find a way to move on or spend her life living like a shadow of her former self. The answer may lie in the arms of the handsome Commander of the Inquisition, or it may lie somewhere else completely...


_**A/N:** Okay, I KNOW I'm supposed to be working on Ven'irsera…and Vhenan'ara…but I got Inquisition for Christmas, so can you REALLY blame me? After Solas broke up with me, I was cranky and needed some fic therapy. I mean I wanted to romance both him and Cullen, but ended up choosing Solas because he's simply a more interesting character...AND THEN HE JUST LEAVES? Just like that, no warning. You're having this perfectly wonderful conversation about whether or not your vallaslin is a mark of slavery and then BUH-BAM! Sorry, can't do this anymore. Good knowing you. Gr…So here's a short (as in a few chapters) with Elanna Lavellan moving on with Cullen, cause yeah okay, his solution to every problem IS to hit it with a hammer, but he's not an idiot and he's kind and sweet and a bit tortured…and maybe when you've been through some seriously crazy sh*t in life like he has, winning because you were originally the first runner up is good enough._

_Chapter begins from Elanna's POV, but changes to Cullen's._

.oOo.

He'd walked away in the end, and she hadn't stopped him.

She'd tried to convince him to stay; she'd told him she loved him, told him she needed him. She'd called his name as she moved to follow him, but he shook his head, fended her off…walked away.

Skyhold was different after that. For the first time since they'd arrived, the mountain's arctic temperatures started to creep under her skin and seep in to her bones, and while that was meant as a metaphor, she actually noticed that her fingers and toes—and sometimes even her nose and ears—were as cold as icicles. Constantly. She couldn't remember them feeling that way before…

She tried to speak with him afterward, to understand why. She didn't think he was the type to play games, to use a woman so horribly for his own entertainment…but he would give her no other reason than that he'd made a mistake. And so from then on they only talked business—any time she tried to talk to him about anything else he was evasive, a little rude even, and it always ended with her storming out of his study.

She wasn't an angry person by nature; Keeper Deshanna had taught her at an early age that strong negative emotions were a mage's first and worst enemy. In the Beyond, emotions like anger lit up like a beacon in the mist, drawing dangerous spirits like flies. When Solas simply told her over and over and over that any answers he could give would only lead to more questions, that he'd made a selfish mistake, that she deserved better, to pick whatever reason would help her find peace! Well…it was simply better for everyone that she left the room.

After more prodding than she'd ever expected him to endure, he'd promised her that he would explain if they survived the final battle, but that turned out to be a lie, or at the very least a promise he failed to keep.

She kept a polite mask in place throughout the celebrations that followed; smiled when it was expected, laughed just enough at Varric's jokes to not be rude, nodded stoically when listening to a piece of business that could not wait until later…and then when everyone had finally gone to bed or passed out drunk in the great hall, she'd thrown on her heaviest cloak and stolen out a side door. She'd crossed the next mountain peak before finally allowing herself to unleash every ounce of hurt and anger and despair in one violent, tearful burst of electrical anguish.

It caused a small avalanche. And then an electrical storm.

She immediately decided that Deshanna was right and returned to the fortress, holding herself together just long enough to reach her private chambers and then collapsed on the bed, sobbing so hard that she could barely breath.

She didn't know when it stopped or how she finally managed to fall asleep, but as she wandered the fade, she prayed to the Gods that he stayed away even while her heart cried for him.

.oOo.

He watched her from a distance, not sure what to do or say.

For the most part she seemed…fine. She carried on just as she had before, gentle and fair and in every way their fearless leader, always reserved and in control but obliging and friendly…but there were subtle changes in her that only a man with a rather sizeable and unrequited crush would notice. Where once she had stood tall an proud, seeming to tower over even Bull when she was in the midst of a rousing speech or sending her enemies to their death, her shoulder now had the slightest droop and there was no longer any bounce in her step. The spark in her brilliant blue eyes had dulled, her smile didn't stretch as wide and the twinkling of her laugh seemed to ring less clearly. She began to pull her beautiful snow white hair back in to a tight bun, rather than draping her loose curls forward over one shoulder, causing her usually soft features to sharpen, and she no longer chose armor that flattered her lithe figure, opting instead for utility over beauty.

For most, this was just the indication that she was growing with her position; war hardened everyone, and any leader knows that armor designed to look good rarely worked as well in the field as armor that didn't. Josephine and Leliana insisted that his not-so-carefully concealed feelings were causing him to see concerns where there were none, and that it would be reasonable for anyone to be changing as such in light of their recent experiences.

But they didn't see the moments where her eyes would drift off in the middle of particularly dull conversations, or when she would allow the smile to fade in the rare moments she thought no one was looking, or the tear that had very nearly escaped her eye when she had told the workers to paint over the murals in Solas' study…or the fact that she had started taking a bottle of wine to her chambers with her at the end of the day. Nothing good ever lead to or came from drinking alone…

And so, on one especially sunny day, he released the men from their training early and went to check on her. He'd seen her leaning over her balcony, watching the yard as the men practiced their forms and sparred, and while he wasn't particularly fond of the idea of invading both her emotional and physical privacy, he atleast knew where to find her and wouldn't have to ask around and raise questions as to why he needed to see her so urgently. And he simply wasn't patient enough right now to ask her to visit him in his study at her convenience.

The climb up the stairs was surprisingly steep, given the fact that he was more than used to physical exertion and he found himself a little out of breath when he finally reached the top. He paused outside the door, leaning against the stone wall as he caught his breath and tried to craft an appropriate line of questioning for the woman he cared about, as opposed to a dangerous hostage.

Finally, when he decided he was never going to get his sweating palms under control, he knocked on the door. He waited for the invitation to enter, and when it came he was careful to open the door gently, as opposed to barging imposingly in to the room as he was used to doing with subordinates and enemy factions.

"Inquisitor?" He asked as he walked, his eyes darting about the room he had so far never been in.

"Cullen," She smilingly chastised from her desk. "After everything we've faced together, I think it's alright to call me by my name."

He responded with his own slightly embarrassed grin and consented by replying, "Elanna…"

"That's better," She nodded approvingly. "What can I do for you?"

"Actually," He replied, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck and give away his discomfort at beginning a personal conversation with The Herald of Andraste. "I was wondering how you're doing."

"I'm fine," She said absently as she signed an official looking document. "Why do you ask?"

"After the battle with Corypheus…" He began, not sure he should be prying in to her private life like he was, but determined to be sure that Josephine and Leliana were in fact right about him being overly concerned. "You seem different…quieter, distant perhaps."

"A lot happened that day," She remained nonchalant, despite the almost imperceptible tensing in her shoulders. "I would think anyone would be changed by it."

"Normally I'd agree with you…" He trailed off. "But it seems like it's more than that..." He stopped for a moment as he chose his next words carefully. He didn't want to come off sounding like the lovesick stalker in the shadows, watching her every move and guessing at her every thought (though he knew his internal monologue would most assuredly make people think that he did exactly that). Then he landed on the perfect scapegoats. "Josephine and Leliana were worried. They mentioned that even though you're behaviors towards other haven't really changed, there are moments when you seem sad, or your mind is in another place…and…I hope this doesn't come off as rude, and it's really not my place to say so, but you seem to care less about your appearance."

"It's…" She sighed deeply, letting some of the façade slip as she brought her hands up to rub her shoulders and headed towards the balcony outside her windows. When she reached the rail of the balcony she leaned down, bracing her weight on her elbows and crossing one foot over the other. "Honestly, it's not really something I can talk about," She finally replied as he followed her outside.

"Inquisitor..." He paused when a weary look crossed her face at the used of the title. "Elanna," He corrected. "You've seen me at my worst and you didn't turn away," He reminded her. "The least I can do is return the favor. Whatever it is, I'd like to help…if I can."

She sighed again as her eyes scanned the horizon and she rubbed her hands together, trying to keep them warm. She'd been doing that a lot lately. "It's not that I don't want to confide in you," She finally admitted. "I simply…" There was another long pause as she reached up to rub her shoulder again and she closed her eyes against the memories and emotions. "I don't know where to begin."

"Alright…" He trailed off, trying to think of how she got all of them to open up to her…He suddenly realized she never actually asked people how they were doing, they simply unloaded on her whenever she walked in to a room and she graciously listened, no matter who it was or what their problems were. He made a mental note to tell the others to find someone else to unload on and then decided to wing it. "How are you feeling? Right now, in this very moment."

She furrowed her brow and shifted her weight as if the question caused her some sort of unconscious discomfort, like a muscle twinge or a sliver would. "…Hollow, I suppose." She finally answered. "Before…I was hurt, frustrated, confused…" She continued. "But we had Corypheus to deal with and I could at least bury myself in my work and wait for an explanation…"

Cullen breathed out a deep sigh as he completed her thought, "but then Solas left."

"Yes…then he left,"

Cullen was quiet for a moment, not sure what to say in response. If he was being honest, he'd never had that deep intense passion for anyone before…or before her, anyway. He couldn't really relate to having the one you'd give anything and everything for walk away with only the explanation that it was a mistake. He walked to the railing and leaned his elbows on it beside her. "You can't let his leaving break you, Inqui-Elanna."

She smiled a smile down at her hands, one tinged with sadness and irony, but then she straightened up and crossed her arms across her chest, something in her attitude and posture telling him that she was done discussing this, though she would never presume to be so blunt about it. "It means a lot that you cared enough to ask after me, Cullen."

_How could I not care?_ His mind replied, though his lips weren't brave enough to voice the thought. His heart ached for her, and he wanted nothing more than to envelope her in his arms and tell her that he would make it all better…but they were adults and he knew that he couldn't make it better, and that even if he could, she would have to let him first and he wasn't about to push himself on her.

"And just so I can lay your mind at ease," She continued, taking a deep breath and forcibly brightening her smile before she turned to face him head on. He stood upright and turned to face her in turn. "I want you to know that it didn't break me. Truly, I went out that night and killed a couple of snowbanks a few miles from the Keep and then I cried myself to sleep when I got back to my room and that has expended the majority of my pain." She laid a small, delicate hand on his chest and smiled her thanks for his concern.

The unexpected contact surprised him, and he floundered for a moment, unsure if he should say something, squeeze her shoulder, gently lay his hand over hers…and then just as unexpectedly, her hand was gone, leaving his chest cold. She had walked past him, headed back to the great hall to meet with whatever dignitary Lady Montilyet had arranged for her to meet that afternoon.

***MORE TO COME***


End file.
